Always
by AlterMe01
Summary: Rent- Mark's perspective. Just read the thing and leave a review


Always

[Author Note- I don't own the character from Rent created by Jonathan Larson or "Always" by Anthony Rapp.  It's something that came to mind as I was listening to some songs.  It still needs quite a bit of work, but for now you get the point.  This is from Mark's perspective, in case you don't notice]

"I'm up here on my own again 

Here I am all by myself in the apartment.  No one's here like usual-Roger and Mimi are always together.  I think everyone forgot that I even exist.

**_I'm always on my own._**

            No one cares about me anyways.  I'm nobody.  The only thing that matters is this damn camera-but it can't talk to me or make my life any better.  Every single time I look at it, I'm just reminded at how much of a failure I am. They say, " Who cares about his stupid little films? He's a nobody- don't waste your time…" I quietly observe their revelations but inside I scream because the truth hurts so terribly.

**_They don't know anything at all; they see just what they want._**

Do they ever wonder why I hide behind my camera?  Why I detach myself from them?  Do they realize how much they all have hurt me?  All they see is the happy Mark, the one that's always there in the background.  They just have to call for me and I obey all their orders.  Has anyone ever bothered to get to know me? Have they taken a minute of their time to ask me what's wrong? I am always around to fix all their problems, supporting them but I never get anything in return.  My life is a sham.

Can't they see I'm not really here, I'm back there with you

I have to tell myself that I don't care anymore, because the end is near.  Every religious belief that I once trusted has disappeared.  Nothing else matters except what happens now.  It is better to leave no when I still have courage than to delay it longer and continue to live in misery.  I remember when I sang of, "No Day But Today" where did he go? It seems so long ago now…

Flying away, wish I could say you will be there tomorrow and always

I don't have any regrets except of the friendships that once were-the love that should have been.  I'll leave it all behind, where I'll go I don't know.  Most likely nowhere, death is an end not a beginning.

Just have to go

Time to do this.  For several moments I'll regret my decision, but it is something that I have to do.  I've lost the will do live anymore.  The optimistic Mark doesn't exist, happiness is an illusion, and my life is a lie.

Wish I could know you will always remember me now and always

But I know that you will probably not even care anymore, if you ever did.  You have more important things to live for now.  Friendship is things of the past-you are a distant face that I don't even recognize any more.  My eyes, once bursting with life, are dull and glazed over.

Turning my face away again

I've been here waiting for someone to notice, for someone to care, for someone to connect with me.  It never happened- why did no one care? Wasn't I a good person?  Didn't I deserve love?  I just hid even more inside myself, expecting someone to eventually notice.  It never happened.

I'm always turned away

Was I always this numb?  Someone shield me from the knives, from the hurt, from myself-

_Wanting to want to talk it out without you always _

I tried, I really tried but you were always too busy to listen.  You always had somewhere else to be, someone else to see, something more important.  Couldn't spare a thought on me or anything that didn't concern your immediate needs.  A simple conversation could have done so much- but obviously wasn't worth your effort.

Flying away wish I could say you will be there tomorrow and always

Live life with no regrets-yea right, I've lived a whole life of regrets. No day but today-what about yesterday and tomorrow?  There's only us- what us? It was always me and me alone, no one else cared enough to try.

Just have to go

My flesh stings, as the end is closer.  I hear the laughter and smiles that once came so easy.  I just want to push it away further until all I can feel is this pain that overwhelms me.

**_Wish I could know you will always remember me now and always._**

            It's all in vain, I suppose.

Always, always-

I'm getting weaker, if that is even possible.  The quiet isn't as comforting as it once was.  I have nothing to make this transition any easier; I wanted to feel it all as it ended.  How strange is that- I leave cause of all the pain but I want to feel it as it ends?

Flying away, wish I could say you will be there tomorrow and always

You'll continue to survive, you always have.  Sort of funny that I always thought that I would be the one to survive- but am letting it end before the loss of anyone else.  I can't deal with what could happen if I delay any longer.  What else would I have to bear witness to?

Just have to go

I close my eyes; it takes too much effort to keep them open.  My body relaxes and tingles even as the temperature suddenly drops.  I knew all along that this would eventually happen- it just happened earlier than I expected. 

Wish I could know you would always remember me now and always

No one ever remembered me before now so I'm sure no one will remember me always, but it's still nice to imagine that I have a legacy.  I wish I could say I won't remember you-but what once was is too hard to forget.

Wish I could say you will be there tomorrow and always

I suddenly feel the urge to both laugh and cry at what is happening, but my body is unable to do either.  Thoughts race through my mind but my body is running on slow motion, almost becoming a permanent pause.

**_Just have to go, _**

I'll be 25 years old in several minutes.  No one ever notices-they never do.  Kind of ironic that I'll die a quarter of a century after I was born.  I didn't accomplish anything in my years, but who really does?  This is something that has to be done; I can't live with this pain any longer.

Wish I could know you will always remember me now and always

You'll find everything to cover the costs not too far away.  If you can do it cheap enough save some money for next years rent.  I don't think many will show up for it anyways, so I wouldn't worry about bringing a lot of attention to it.  I'm pathetic.  I'm dying yet still worrying about what will happen afterwards.  Hopefully life will treat you better than the fucked up hand it gave me.

Always, always, always, always"

Things are going to be so much better when I'm gone.  I hope everyone takes it all right, but I doubt they'll even notice I'm gone.  It'll take them several days to bother even checking, I'm sure.  If I never cared for myself why should they? It's been done now, and it'll be ending soon.  Your smiling face is before mine, grinning with youthful abandonment and I let myself be carried away.  The voice in my head becomes faint and I feel my life begin to slip from my fingers.  Images of happier times flash beneath my eyes; my life masterpiece of film blinks as the reel ends and eventually fades to black.  Everything is silent.

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End file.
